My friend Sarah, on the other hand, is a very talented painter. She can take watercolors and a brush and visually create a masterpiece while simply looking at something to recreate it. Ask Sarah a question and watch her eyes. They go up and to the left, like they are accessing a secret part of her brain.

Jeff, the handyman at church, can work magic with wood, metal or plastic. Give him some basic hand tools and he’ll create you a birdhouse, mailbox, or an elaborate piece of furniture. If you have an item that needs to be fixed, let him go hands on, and he’ll have it working in no time. Ask Jeff a question and watch his eyes. They go down and look directly at the palms of his hands.

For years I noticed that when I talked with my friends that they often responded differently when asked a question. There was often a subtle difference in their eyes. Some would look up, some down and others from side to side. I never gave it much thought until I picked up a book by Nicholas Boothman entitled, Convince Them in 90 Seconds or Less: How to Connect in Business. In this interesting book, Nick explains there are three basic learning styles, and each one is generally accompanied by subtle eye movements when accessing the brain for recall.

The three styles are..

• Visual Learner: takes in data through the eyes. Tends to look up and to the left when asked a question.
• Audio Learner: takes in data through the ears. Tends to look from side to side when asked a question.
• Kinesthetic Learner: takes in data through a sense of feel. Tends to look down at their hands when asked a question.

Here is the interesting part. If you want to connect with someone new at a party or networking event, just ask them an insightful question that requires some thinking and watch their eyes for clues. You’ll be surprised how clearly these cues come across.

Nicholas then recommends matching your speech responses to the learning type of the person you are conversing with to build rapport.

• For visual learners, you might respond, I see what you mean, I can see where you are going with that. Can you shed some light on that.
• For audio learners, you might respond, I hear what you are saying, that sounds good.
• For Kinesthetic learners, you might respond, I can grasp what you are saying, I feel your pain. (This is why Bill Clinton was so popular)

Since the three types process data differently, by crafting response to their learning style, you’ll build rapport faster and better relate to the person. Conversations will be more substantial and the person you are talking with will feel like you really understand them.

While this process is not a 100%, I’ve noticed that it works well with a majority of the people I’ve talked with. Once I know a general learning style, I might offer visual information to one person, sound to another, and a hands-on example to someone else.

To get more info on this be sure to pick up Boothman’s book and take a look at my previous post, 3 Quick Ways to Network Better.

Unfortunately, it’s just like sending out a bunch of unsolicited resumes. It ends up being a colossal waste of time. I don’t think I’ve ever made a lasting contact this way. I do however, have a drawer full of business cards that keeps growing over time. The problem is the format. Business cards and eye contact don’t equal a business relationship.

I have discovered something that works better. I’m in the process of writing a new book, a manifesto of sorts, and as part of the project I’ve decided to develop 50 friends in 50 weeks. It’s based on the idea of creating your own network, with some ideas from a book by Derek Coburn, entitled Networking Is Not Working.

I started with some of my Toastmaster contacts, by just asking if we could meet for a half hour or so at a local coffee shop. Most people agreed and were excited to hear about my writing project. When we met, I described the major concepts of the book and asked for their feedback and experiences on some of the major tenets in the volume. The results have been amazing.

People love to share their experiences and it turns out in almost every case that we have something major in common. The real secret is spending time, asking questions, and listening intently.

After doing this for a few weeks, I came up with an acronym for the process. It’s actually really simple…

It’s based around the word LIFT.

• L = Listen
• I = Invest Time and Resources
• F = Find Common Ground
• T = Trade Ideas

To start the meeting off, I usually engage with a story. One of my favorites is Life in a Silver Box. It’s a powerful, visually based tale that deals with the realities of death. It always instills a response. Some people react with surprise, others with sadness or remorse. Almost everyone has had an experience related to it. It’s during this time that I truly listen. That’s when the conversation begins. Within minutes we are usually trading experiences and ideas and almost always find some common ground.

Many of the stories and experiences I’ve heard are very emotional. It’s not uncommon to have tears flowing one minute and laughter the next. What happens after death hits really close to home. I can tell you that many of the stories I’ve heard will be woven through the fabric of the book. Some as complete stories, others as pullouts, and some just as quotes.

LIFT Networking

By following this simple LIFT outline, I’ve developed a lot of new contacts. Many of which will be directly involved with submissions for my book. Better yet, I’ve heard a lot of stories, and developed some amazing new friends. People that I would never have met at a networking event. People whose stories have torn at my heart, made me laugh and made me cry. People that you will truly want to meet.

You’ll get a chance, someday soon…